This is very insightful. I remember when I would share a difficult experience with someone, and their attempt to console me would often involve telling me about a worse experience they had.
It never made me feel better. Instead, it felt like my hurt was too trivial to even deserve an acknowledgment.
This is such an important observation! Thank you for sharing! Warm hugs to you for that awful experience of feeling unheard on top of the difficult experience you already had and wanted to share. May you never go through it again.
People do this all the time and it shifts the focus from you to them. The conversation becomes about them. Even though the intention is to be relatable and inspiring, it feels like a hurtful dismissal.
In my experience, the worst place people do this is when visiting family or friends in a hospital. They start narrating their own hospital stories to the patient who is bed ridden (and is probably imagining hitting them with the saline bottle.) If only someone had taught us to truly help. It is heartbreaking to see so many people feeling unsupported, unheard and unseen even in the presence of family, friends, therapists, coaches, teachers, whoever they try to share their life with.
Hope this article makes at least 1 person feel more supported. :)
I am very thankful I came across this article. It has made me think about how I am behaving with everyone. Hopefully I will be able to change the way I have been.
Haha. We have all been on the receiving end of it!
Congratulations on applying the skills!
You are highly observant to notice that it lifted the pressure of being clever or worrying about saying the right thing.
Point 3 or spotlight on superpowers is technically called "affirmations" in MI.
It is not the same as praising people.
(Praising is listed as the 7th roadblock to active listening in the table in the article. It is part of the fixing reflex.)
Praising is usually about our judgement, an external expression of approval. It can be one-directional and general or surface level. Feels dismissive, patronizing, fake.
Examples: "You are doing great" "I'm so impressed"
Whereas affirmations are helpful observations highlighting a person's specific superpowers (strengths, efforts, actions, qualities, values, etc), an internal recognition of a person's worth. They feel genuine, compassionate, and help people in changing.
Examples: "You care deeply about your health."
"You're showing a lot of courage by facing this head-on."
This is a lovely article. Thank you, Natasha, for articulating these concepts. The structure you’ve given to this conversation is much appreciated 💜
I want to add that they are also integral in the mental health space - how to hold space for people in our lives, how to help people in grief or depression or any other struggle, how to listen instead of ‘fixing’ (especially for men), and how to have conversations on an equal footing with no perceived power dynamics.
This goes far beyond physical health discussions. Ideally, this is how we approach relationships in life, especially the most intimate.
Such a lovely article!!
This is very insightful. I remember when I would share a difficult experience with someone, and their attempt to console me would often involve telling me about a worse experience they had.
It never made me feel better. Instead, it felt like my hurt was too trivial to even deserve an acknowledgment.
This is such an important observation! Thank you for sharing! Warm hugs to you for that awful experience of feeling unheard on top of the difficult experience you already had and wanted to share. May you never go through it again.
People do this all the time and it shifts the focus from you to them. The conversation becomes about them. Even though the intention is to be relatable and inspiring, it feels like a hurtful dismissal.
In my experience, the worst place people do this is when visiting family or friends in a hospital. They start narrating their own hospital stories to the patient who is bed ridden (and is probably imagining hitting them with the saline bottle.) If only someone had taught us to truly help. It is heartbreaking to see so many people feeling unsupported, unheard and unseen even in the presence of family, friends, therapists, coaches, teachers, whoever they try to share their life with.
Hope this article makes at least 1 person feel more supported. :)
This was a great post. Thank you so much!
I am very thankful I came across this article. It has made me think about how I am behaving with everyone. Hopefully I will be able to change the way I have been.
Wow. You are very self-aware to share this deep reflection. Thank you for choosing to be more compassionate. :)
Thank you for writing this! Saved it!
Can we please get some more articles about behaviour change science?
This article is very useful.
I have been on the receiving end of the fixing reflex so many times! Tempted to share this article with some😂
I tried noticing my own fixing reflex today and using curiosity instead. It helped.
The best thing I noticed was how it lifted the pressure of being clever or worrying about saying the right thing.
Will try the other 3 points too. Is point 3 (spotlight on superpowers) similar to praising to people?
Can you please share 1-2 more examples?
Haha. We have all been on the receiving end of it!
Congratulations on applying the skills!
You are highly observant to notice that it lifted the pressure of being clever or worrying about saying the right thing.
Point 3 or spotlight on superpowers is technically called "affirmations" in MI.
It is not the same as praising people.
(Praising is listed as the 7th roadblock to active listening in the table in the article. It is part of the fixing reflex.)
Praising is usually about our judgement, an external expression of approval. It can be one-directional and general or surface level. Feels dismissive, patronizing, fake.
Examples: "You are doing great" "I'm so impressed"
Whereas affirmations are helpful observations highlighting a person's specific superpowers (strengths, efforts, actions, qualities, values, etc), an internal recognition of a person's worth. They feel genuine, compassionate, and help people in changing.
Examples: "You care deeply about your health."
"You're showing a lot of courage by facing this head-on."
Hope this helps :)
Yes very helpful! Thanks a lot for this response!
This is a lovely article. Thank you, Natasha, for articulating these concepts. The structure you’ve given to this conversation is much appreciated 💜
I want to add that they are also integral in the mental health space - how to hold space for people in our lives, how to help people in grief or depression or any other struggle, how to listen instead of ‘fixing’ (especially for men), and how to have conversations on an equal footing with no perceived power dynamics.
This goes far beyond physical health discussions. Ideally, this is how we approach relationships in life, especially the most intimate.
Wow. So happy you added this!❤️
I wish more people knew the power of helpful conversations.
One of the most common sentences I hear from clients is “X (family/friend/group) don’t understand.” (They are tired of feeling unheard)
MI was initially developed from the conversations you mentioned!
Now it has 3000+ studies in all domains.
Addiction, relationships, health, dental care, teaching, prisoners, etc
Nice article. Very useful for me.