Bedtime Battles: A Couple's Guide to Better Sleep
A well-rested couple is a happy couple!
Editor’s note: Today, nutrition coach Aruna Chawala writes about a common yet often overlooked challenge in relationships: conflicting sleep schedules. Traditional sleep protocols often don't factor that in. Drawing from personal experience and professional expertise, she offers practical strategies for couples to navigate their nighttime differences.
Aruna is also a biohacker and science communicator focusing on breaking down complex science for South Asian female bodies. You can connect with her on Instagram.
One of the most surprising aspects of married life that no one warned me about was how sharing a room with my spouse would wreak havoc on my sleep hygiene.
Growing up, evenings were spent around the dinner table with my parents after they returned from work. Thankfully, they shunned the "idiot box" (TV) culture, so we never developed the habit of watching anything before bedtime. I remember those nights fondly, and I also remember waking up bright, fresh and early, ready to tackle the day headfirst.
Fast forward to now, and I find myself married to a night owl who loves TV dinners and insists on watching PST-timed football games. And he finds himself bound to someone who loves her early nights except for the weekend when all she wants to do is rage through the night. Needless to say, this resulted in multiple nights spent upset with each other.
Eight years into our relationship (from long-distance dating to living together to marriage), we've found a middle-ground that works for both of us and our different ideas of quality time. Traditional sleep optimisation protocols? They might as well be written in hieroglyphics because they just don't work when your co-sleeper has an entirely different routine.
Traditional sleep advice often comes from a different world, where routines are solitary and bedtime is strictly regimented. They fail to recognise that we live in a community and with other people — with different preferences, unwinding requirements and work routines.
There's a running joke between some of my friends: patri mile na mile, sleep schedule zaroor milna chahiye (your sleep schedule being compatible is more important than your astrological charts being compatible!)
After enduring numerous nights of subpar sleep and finding that many of my clients struggle similarly, I began pondering how those with a social-first lifestyle—whether due to family obligations or a love of partying (hello, young Aruna)—can optimise their sleep routines without giving up on community.
Below, I've identified the top three 'culprits' that sabotage sleep optimisation when you're sharing your bedroom with a partner. My goal is to provide insights and tweaks to help you design your life that is intentional and conducive to healthy sleep for you and your co-sleeper.
If you have a co-sleeper who makes it harder for you to get good sleep, sending them this cheat-sheet could help — it worked for me!
The Science of ‘Going to Sleep’ vs ‘Staying Asleep’: Mastering Sleep Opportunity, Sleep Duration, and Sleep Need
When it comes to sleep, there's more to it than just hitting the bed and hoping for the best. Let's dive into the science behind Sleep Opportunity, Sleep Duration and Sleep Need.
1) Sleep Opportunity: The Designated Chill-Out Time
This is all about the time you set aside to hit the bed, including those moments when you're lying there trying to drift off or catching up on Instagram. My husband loves to catch up on Instagram food reels at full volume before bed, but I need complete silence to avoid overstimulation. A simple fix for us has been using earplugs for my meditation and his reels. I also go to bed before he does to get my reading and relaxing time in place.
2) Sleep Need: Your Sleep Sweet Spot
This is the amount of sleep you need to feel like a superstar the next day. For most adults, that's about 7-9 hours, but it can vary across different ages and life stages, such as during menstrual cycle changes or periods of extreme stress.
3) Sleep Duration: The Real Deal
This is about the actual amount of sleep you get. It might require some trial and error to see what each partner needs. For instance, if one partner needs more sleep, they could go to bed earlier to create a more balanced sleep environment if both want to wake up together. There is no right ‘amount’ of sleep that can be blanket recommended to everyone — it’s bio-individual and heavily influenced by how physically and mentally tired you are given your day-to-day.
Navigating different sleep needs and routines in a relationship can be challenging, but with some adjustments, you can both enjoy better sleep:
Separate morning routines: This allows each person to start their day without disturbing the other. I'm usually done with my morning routine and have started my workday by the time my partner wakes up. His breakfast is my mid-day break time and we're both fresh, well-rested and happy about our comfortable mornings.
Consider different bedrooms: I know this is controversial (and only possible with adequate privilege) but just think about it if you fit the bill. If your sleep needs are drastically different, you could consider sleeping in separate bedrooms occasionally. Fix a designated time either in the morning or before going to bed to spend time together. The partner that sleeps later or wakes up early could also take up the responsibility of cuddle-time on their shoulders
Sex and sleep: The reason why my recommendation above is controversial is because of a generally accepted idea that two partners must want to sleep together all the time. However, with some communication, you can find the right time for sex, whether it’s morning, night, or even during the day, to enhance both your relationship and your rest.
By understanding and implementing these concepts, you can create a harmonious sleep environment that works for both you and your partner.
But what about the unique challenges faced by women? Let's dive into that next.
The Female Experience: Changing Sleep Quantity For Each Week of The Cycle
In my work as a nutrition and lifestyle coach with a focus on female health, I've found that sleep needs differ during different phases of our cycle. It's not laziness to need extra sleep at certain times of the month — it's biology.
1 in 10 people have insomnia — trouble falling or staying asleep. But twice as many go through this as they near their period.
Quick science lesson: Hormones like estrogen and progesterone fluctuate throughout the menstrual cycle, impacting sleep. During the luteal phase (the two weeks before a period), progesterone levels rise, which can make you feel sleepier than usual. It's completely normal to need more sleep during the luteal and menstrual phases. However, other PMS symptoms can also disrupt sleep quality, so your REM sleep might take a hit and need additional support. This leads to increased daytime fatigue and a need for more sleep than usual.
Women who experience PMS symptoms may often find it challenging to get a good night's sleep. Those with premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) have an even tougher time, with about 70% experiencing affected sleep quality.
Here are some of my top-rituals 5-7 days before (luteal phase) and during (menstrual phase) my periods to make life easier:
A warm shower 30-45 minutes before bed promotes relaxation and improves circulation: The warmth dilates blood vessels, lowering blood pressure and triggering a relaxation response. This calms the sympathetic nervous system and activates the parasympathetic system, decreasing your resting heart rate, fostering a sense of calmness. I like to add Epsom salt or essential oils like lavender or chamomile to my shower to further relax muscles. (Consult a doctor if pregnant.)
I go to sleep early or sleep till later the next morning: Giving myself extra sleep opportunities helps me feel refreshed and replenished. You could also include a mid-afternoon nap during the luteal and menstrual phase if you find it difficult to fulfil your sleep needs during the night.
Actively work on establishing sleep hygiene through the month as a baseline.
If you have a menstruating partner, here's how to make their life easier during these phases:
Don't wake them up just because you are done sleeping. They need more sleep opportunities during some days of the month. This does not make them lazy.
Create a comfortable sleep environment for them. If this means adjusting the room temperature or noise level, take extra care. The better rested your partner is, the better they'll be able to show up for you. Win-win!
This does not have to do with sleep but get them a care package — you might win brownie points. :p
Navigating sleep schedules in a relationship can be a challenge, but it's not impossible. By recognising the unique sleep needs of both you and your partner, making small adjustments and prioritising communication, you can create a sleep environment that works for both of you.
After all, a well-rested couple is a happy couple, and sometimes, the best way to wake up together is to first figure out how to sleep well apart. Sweet dreams!